Day to day, I just feel so dumb and small. It’s actually incredible/a-little-concerning/ perhaps-a-good-thing? - I often feel like I’m following two contradictory and irreconcilable set of instructions - I don't know where they come from, they seem to have been imported into me without consent. I am not sure if I am doing something terribly wrong with my brain or if I should embrace this. how often I forget even just small the things: like the amount of times I’ve had to ‘rediscover’ a song - majority of things are not so retrievable - memories need a stimulus, an antecedent - but what if they’re not there? How many memories are just lying dormant in my head because I never found key - like, I think about how my Grandmother never learnt how to read, that my Grandfather and his brothers were in the military and learned to read there, that I have an Uncle who would have been in the military had he not drowned as a teenager, that I have a cousin currently in the army. I don't even know their names - to access them? , like, it's so easy to feel like a stranger to yourself when you read your old notes - from an artist that was like my entire personality for a time, for example. large parts of my identity. - I'm not saying I need perfect recall of our journey through space-time, but I just feel so light, so loosely attached - I want to remember, to know - I just want to know that the people I care about will be okay, that I will be okay, that we will we all be okay, I just want to be a little more sure I'm so afraid of - I fear that by doing I lock myself into a pre-determined set of paths, I fear that by not doing I am being neglectful - missing something - when the pandemic happened I blamed myself - about the things I care about.